At some point you have to stop and ask yourself in situations such as this "Is there more to this that just the obvious?" I think life lessons come out of every situation, sometimes you just have to look for them.
When Jason and I were trying to get pregnant I became so frustrated after a few months. You spend so much time trying not to have a baby, that when you want one you think it will just happen. Well let me tell you it doesn't. I had been told that year by more than just one person that I needed to be patient. Not with just getting pregnant, but with other things in life as well. If you know me at all you know I want things when I want them and I will do whatever I can to make it happen. Sitting and waiting is not my forte. After taking a step back and looking at my situation I thought God must be trying to teach me patience. It seemed to be the running theme that year of my life. I tried to focus on becoming more patient and calmer (I tend to be wound pretty tight sometimes!) and still nothing.
I felt so blessed when we became pregnant with our first round of IUI. It seemed that things were falling into place. A friend of my cousin's gave us her left over fertility medication (which saved us about $500.00!) and we were on our way to having a family. With our first sonogram we were told not to expect to have twins when we came back in 2 weeks since baby A was so much smaller than baby B. At this point I thought maybe I hadn't fully learned my lesson on becoming patient. Waiting 2 weeks to find out felt like a eternity and I didn't get my hopes up because I didn't want to be disappointed. I had to focus on the short term instead of the long term like I normally do. As Jason says to me "You are never satisfied". This is because I tend not to live in the moment because I am always thinking about tomorrow and what comes next. At this point I had focus on the here and now and be thankful for what I had at the time.
As we have progressed through this pregnancy I have had no choice but to be patient and live in the here and now. This is one of the first times in my life where I have not been able to be in control of everything, which is hard for a type A personality, and the first time where I have not been able to look and plan for the future for more than a week at a time. It has been a long road to learn these lessons, and I know I'm not even close to mastering patience or living in the moment, but I feel that I have made progress and I will be a better mother because of it.
If all of this would have happened a few years ago it would have driven me crazy that I don't have every little detail planned out. I don't have a outfit picked out for them to come home in...I maybe have 10 outfits total that I have bought here and there..., I don't have a middle name picked out for Bennett, and I don't have all the "stuff" you are supposed to have for when your baby comes home, but for some reason after all that we have been through those things seem like nothing and don't really stress me out like I know they would have if we hadn't been through this experience we have with these little guys. It has made me be thankful that I still have both of my babies and that they now have a fighting chance. It's the people and experiences in life that are important, not the "stuff". I'm now trying to take time to "stop and smell the roses". I enjoy every little kick that I feel, getting to hear my babies heart beats several times a day (which I'm getting to listen to right now!), and getting to watch them grow week by week...something every mom wishes she could do!
I guess to sum it all up, I'm glad I took the time to think about what good could come from the pain and frustration over the past year and a half and I think I will be a better person for it in the end.
You are a great writer...I'm enjoying your blog! :)
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